The Darker Side of Me

Alone

2009-10-22T00:06:57Z

More alone than I have ever felt. Crushing in its sense of emptiness. Lost my way. Have to get this all off my chest somehow. Life seems so senseless. Miss my girls. So tired of trying to carry on bravely. Wondering if I really will be alone for the rest of my life. How did it all come to this...

Life?

2009-08-04T00:05:22Z

What is it that differentiates life from a series of meaningless encounters?

Wow

2009-07-13T00:24:25Z

So here i am over 7 months later and I am now more alone than I have ever felt. Between Deb deciding at the last moment not to move to NY with me and trying to explain to the girls why I will not be able to see them after I move until next summer I am just about overwhelmed. I know that it was only a couple of weeks, but I fell pretty hard for Deb when she said that she wanted to try something long term, stupid me I guess. Can't put my feeling into words, but here is something that I wrote a long time ago that seems to sum it up.

Sometime it seems that there are those of us in the world destined to be forever alone. Not just that "no one is around and I am bored" alone, but the mind numbing and utterly crushing certainty that no one out there really understands you. Oh sure we pick up friends here and there as we pass through our lives, but even those who we let close to us are only as close as we dare let anyone get. It really IS more for their protection that it is for ours. If they were to understand what we go through on a daily basis and the pain and uncertainty we hold inside they would be unable to fathom how we continue to function and go about our mundane daily routine. Sometimes there will be that one exception, or so we tell ourselves. That one who will be able to understand who I really am and so we let them in, invite them to look at us without the facade we display to the rest of the world. Those who don't back away immediately are always gone within a few years anyway. So the question I pose to those out there who find yourselves nodding along as you read is this simple one...

"What keeps YOU going through the motions day after soul numbing day?"

Many of us adjust our behavior to suit those around us, keeping their true selves locked safely away in a small dark part of their soul. We feel that part of us and cherish it. In doing so we lose nothing of ourselves while still enjoying the benefits and the company of those around us. However I think that each one of us secretly yearns for just one soul who is like us and can identify with us. The sad part is, for the most part we die emotionally alone. Our wishes unfulfilled...

Holidays

2008-12-12T19:21:28Z

Well the dreaded time of the year is here yet again and as I find myself examining my life I must admit, I find almost nothing but disappointment. Aside from my children nothing in my life is what I wanted for me. Both times in my life that I have made the commitment to a long-term plan for my life I have failed utterly. I live the lifestyle of someone with no education and no drive or ambition. I have no house, none of the worldly goods that are associated with success, but more telling than any of those I have no one to share my life with. I need to spend more time for introspection and figure out just what I really want and how to go about getting it. I have let myself wallow in self-pity and despair long enough. I am about as depressed as I have ever been in my life, but I am determined not to wait for something as drastic as another suicide attempt to shake me out of the current funk I am in. I am only 31 and I have plenty of time to change my life, now I just need to figure out how I want to do so.

Fuck you

2008-11-14T02:43:09Z

Well it may have taken over 24 hours without sleep and over a half bottle of scotch, but you finally decided to make an entry.

Maybe it was the final papers declaring you a loser and that you have wasted the last 6 years of your life. Maybe it was the episodes of House that you watched. Whatever it was face it.

You are 31, have 4 kids that you never see and you have no purpose in your life. Most days you do not see the point of it all. You are wallowing in self-pity and you enjoy it. You are nothing but a sad sad little man who finds that you will not be able to see your daughters until at least the 28th as nothing more than an inconvenience that will rob you from celebrating New Years Eve in a Drunken blur, which is how you prefer to live your life.

You have known for quite some time that you are nothing more than a selfish and greedy bastard who only looks out for and lives for yourself. Suck it up , look in the mirror, and hate yourself like you should. Now that you have done that realize that the Navy is eating you up and you need to find some type of direction and meaning for your life.

GROW UP

Another passage

2008-05-30T14:07:43Z

There had been times - he was almost certain - when he'd known unmitigated joy, but so faded were they to his recollection that he had begun to suspect the fictional conjuring of nostalgia. As with civilizations and their golden ages, so to with people: each individual ever longing for that golden past moment of true peace and wellness.

So often it was rooted in childhood, in a time before the strictures of enlightenment had afflicted the soul, when what had seemed a simple thing unfolded its complexity like the petals of a poison flower, to waft its miasma of decay.

Steven Erikson- The Bonehunters

Hmm

2008-05-11T02:45:17Z

Well here I sit with my new best friend Johnny and wonder what to write. I know that I need to put something down, but I just can't figure out what.

TJ and Kim had their wedding today, from what Nick said it was a nice affair. I am kind of sorry that I missed it for Kim's sake, would have liked to be there for her.

Not sure just what is going on in my life. I am starting to feel more and more alone. Not that I do not have people around me, just that I have no one to share my life experiences with. I think that is part of what is contributing to my feelings of apathy, what is the point of doing things and having experiences if there is no one to share them with. I miss the feeling of someone to snuggle up to at night, I miss having someone to confide in, someone that compliments me and makes me feel whole.

The sad truth that I need to face is that without someone else meaningful in my life I see little point in even going through the motions that imitate life. Forget actually living, doing more than just going through your daily routine. Actually going out there and LIVING. Doing things just because you can and you want to. Doing something because you have always wondered what it was like. Now it is just doing something to make you feel less alone, more attached to the rest of the world, just because it is what others around you expect someone to do...

New Bleach Ending

2008-05-10T18:26:00Z

Kinda spoke to me, meh

Japanese Ending : "Mijikai yoru ni mayoi konderu meiru. Heya to kodoku de mazu mabushii gamen. Onaji toki onaji kimochi no ureshi setsunasa. Ima kono kyou ni jikan sai mo tobi koete. Nakiwarai suki kimi no kokoro wa. Ima donna e no fudoui no shitteruno? Nakawarai suki egao wo hajikeru futari wa. Taiyou mitai kira kira na orenji. Ima kimi ga egaitai yume no ue. Soko hateshi naku kioku mayoisou DAYS. Kimi ga inai donna kitashisou na. Watashi mo kono days hanashitaku nakutte. Nakiwarai suki futari no mirai wa. Nee donna e no fudoui wo minoru ka na? Nakiwarai suki majime wo saki ittemo. Negau no wa amazuppai orange."

English Ending : "Another short night, lost in your e-mail. Alone in your room, with nothing but the screen's glare. Feeling happy and hurt at the same time. This goes on all night..."today" is long gone. Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside. Do you even know what silly thing you're arguing about? Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, while they grin at each other. They're like oranges that glow like the sun. So many pictures of your dreams you want to display. We could get lost in the endless memories of those days. I told you if you're not with me, I'll never say a word about them. Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, the future comes along. Will it bring arguments, or compromise? Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, looking serious and moving on. I want another bite of this bittersweet orange."

Hey

2008-05-01T15:53:29Z

So here I sit, a mound of clean clothes on my floor that is larger than the amount of clean clothes I have put up. I just do not understand what the point of this useless Rat-race is anymore. Why do millions of people continue to go through the empty motions of life, when in all reality those things that we care about do not matter at all to most people. Hell most of it does not even matter in your own sorry life. Those things that you do will not matter to anyone else and will probably not matter to you after a few months. I have been working out most every day for a while now. I just can't seem to drop below 180. I have started to be able to count my ribs and I just can't drop my gut, yeah that old Avelis pot-belly come back to haunt my nightmares I know.

Oh well on with the empty motions that simulate life for me. No I am not suicidal or even that depressed, I am just trying once again to figure out the reason behind it all. The meaning of life if you will, not that I am expecting any answers. Many minds greater than mine have pondered the same question down the years and the only thing I can figure is that each one of us needs to find that reason for themselves.

On another note I have come to accept the fact that I am one of the most codependent people you will ever meet. As nice as it is for me to say that it is time for me to concentrate on me, the sad sorry truth is that I can't feel complete without someone else in my life. Someone that I can share my feelings and thoughts on subjects with, someone who can care for me, someone that I can care for...

Lost again

2008-04-23T09:40:04Z

No matter how good they are some memories need to be forgotten.

Feelings

2008-04-21T05:12:38Z

To weep is to be inside oneself, entirely, an inner place far more unrelenting and unforgiving than anything that could be found outside.

Love

2008-03-09T20:49:06Z

You will find it and lose it, again and again. And with each finding and each loss, you will become more than before. What you make of it is yours to choose.

Fing Holidays

2007-12-25T02:27:43Z

Well I just got done seeing my girls for Christmas Eve. That's right EVE, the reason why I am not going to be seeing them on Christmas DAY is because Tammy is going to have her new Fuck toy of a week or so over for the day. She really did not expect me to have any problem at all with this...Whatever, the girls were great and I loved being able to see them. Unfortunately I will not have any Pics to help me remember since Tammy did not have her camera charged. So we played with the new stuff I got them and had a blast, but as I told them I had to go things hit me so hard I almost saw stars. I WAS NOT GOING TO SEE MY GIRLS FOR CHRISTMAS. I really hope it gets a bit easier to handle as the years go on, but I get the strange feeling that it won't.

They clung to my legs and asked me why I had to go, they said they missed me, asked me to sing them Christmas songs. So I squatted by the door and sang Rudolph to them with a catch in my voice and tears in my eyes. After I made it to the car I just sat there crying for a few minutes
and took some time to compose myself. So now here I sit drinking scotch and listening to Christmas songs on the verge of crying every few minutes or so. I do not understand. Since I grew distant from my family the Holidays have never been that big of a deal to me and here I sit deep into my cups and feeling about as down as I have felt since coming into the Navy.

Well it is time for a refill as my cup is empty and so is my motivation for writing. I need to make sure that it is not the same length of time before my next posting.

SACRIFICE

2007-10-12T00:27:39Z

Boy am I glad that I wasn't quite drunk enough to post this in my Blog on Myspace, had it cut and pasted from the word document I do most of my creative writing in and stopped myself. It started as just a piece of work and then moved on to something a bit more personal and I actually got to stop and get what I am pretty sure was the rest of that cry from Saturday out at one point. However I really felt the need to put it somewhere that others could see it so it goes here...

It is an oft used word, sometimes it seems too often. A constant exposure to a word or concept can make one insensitive to the original meaning behind it.

From Webster: destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else.

When you hear someone say that they had to make sacrifices to get something now-a-days it is generally with respect to time or money spent for an object or some type of material gain. Very rarely do you hear the word used as it was originally intended, as an act of offering to a deity something precious (the first definition according to Webster).

When I start to think of the things I say that I have sacrificed in my life I am more than a little humbled just by thinking on some of the greater sacrifices made throughout history, real and fictional. From Medal of Honor recipients that gave their lives so their comrades in arms could live to God giving up his Son for the whole world, history is fraught with stories full of personal sacrifice. Something given up that actually MEANT something.

I can say that I sacrificed the lifestyle that I had before I can into the navy to serve my country. You know what though? If I hadn’t “given up” the way I was living, I would have been dead in a gutter somewhere a long time ago. I say to myself that I sacrificed the life that I had built with my family, if not a truly happy home, then one I could come back to and not feel completely empty at the end of the day. I tell myself that I sacrificed it so my kids would not have to grow up in a home where love was absent. Not that we didn’t love Caity and Jess, we both did with all our hearts, just that anything that was between US was gone a long time ago. You know what though? It wasn’t something that I sacrificed, it was something that I gave up. Out of purely selfish reasons, I decided that I just couldn’t take it anymore and gave up the two things that meant the most to me in the world in the hope that I might be able to find someone else out there that would provide me with what I was looking for. I am not saying that it wasn’t for the best on both our parts or that it is something that I regret, I am simply forcing myself to acknowledge the fact that it wasn’t something that I did out of some munificent ideal, it was something that I decided on for the good of ME.

Happy Birthday...

2007-10-06T22:42:37Z

So I got that cry in, just not exactly how I figured it. Tammy showed up with another random guy to Caitlin's party today. Sure it is her birthday as well and I can't fault her for moving on just because I can't seem to, but knowing that still doesn't stop the hurt feelings. I am not sure why I was so upset, I have been willing to admit to myself that I did not actually love her and the last 18 months we were together were pretty much hell for me. Her doing that on the anniversary of our last time having any physical contact just seemed like a personal shot at me, the sad thing is that it prolly never even occurred to her. My biggest worry however is the girls, I DO NOT want them growing up with a revolving door of guys coming into and out of their life. I am not really sure when she dropped the 24 year-old and picked this guy up, but he seemed pretty familiar with the girls and Pam.

Through the whole day I managed to put it all in the background and concentrate on the girls having fun. Then as we were leaving Pam came up to my car window and asked how I was doing since she knew it was rough on me, I tried to give the usual smirk and offhanded comment, but instead of a smart alec phrase I broke down. It was just out of nowhere and pretty shocking to me. I sucked it up in front of Pam since Kelsey was there as well and Tammy's little sis doesn't need to see stuff like that. Managed to make it onto the highway before I snapped again and almost had to pull over. I pulled it together until I got to Tammy's house since I needed to pick up the bill for the Home improvement loan again and then just let myself go while I waited on them to get home. I wish that I had been able to get it all out at once because the entire way home I still felt that knot in my chest of something still waiting to come out, but it was cathartic nonetheless.

Hmm

2007-10-05T18:49:03Z

Not really sure where this one is gonna end up. Prolly gonna be a lot like my first few posts and ramble on since I am really not sure what I want to say, just that I need to get something out. I have been drinking WAY too much lately. Not that I am drinking too often, just that sometimes when I do drink it is over the top even for the way I used to drink. I told Heather before that it helps with the pain and it does numb me up for a while. The only problem is, when I wake up the next day those problems are still there. You would think I learned that lesson the first time I went through this, but I guess not. You are right Di about "taking out my garbage". My body constantly hurts and the pain in my leg that I think is a pinched nerve is getting worse and worse. Thinking about stopping for a week or so starting this Monday, hopefully I am not to the point where DTs will kick in again. From the little I remember that really sucked last time. I also considered and started to put into action rolling for the first time in ages last night, not sure if it is because I really want to so I can get fucked up or I think that would just help me remember what it was like to be unfettered and free again. Either way it is not something that I ever expected to do again...

I am also looking forward to Caitlin's B-day party tomorrow. I am just worried that Tammy is going to get on my case about seeing the girls more often again. I love it every time I see them, but going back there and reminding myself of the life I lost is just as hard now as it was when I first left in Feb. The fact that I am not at a very healthy point, mentally speaking, in my life right now is also something that I am doing my best to try and keep the girls from seeing or having to be around.

Glad as hell that Heather is back from Cali, believe it or not girl you have a stabilizing effect on me. Sometimes by yelling at me when I try to do stupid crap, but mostly by being my wall I can bitch to/lean on when needed.

I think that some part of my problem might be pent up emotions as well, I can't remember the last time I had a really good cry. When I was living in the Barracks it was almost a weekly occurrence and I think I may just be missing that outlet. It is getting kinda sad that I can't seem to summon a tear for the kids I don't get to see, but a line in a book I am reading can have tears welling up in my eyes in a heartbeat.

Well enough rambling for now, I need a nap then I will come back and finish this up.

Well Outback was great, Yankees sucked, and I am tired of Tammy asking for more money. The divorce was never about money, but when she keeps taking even after I have left it just gets old.

Thinking tonight is a decent night for that cry, I have been avoiding thinking about my life for a while now, so I am gonna take a walk and just let my mind be instead of keeping it under a constant barrage to distract it like I normally do.

So get this...

2007-09-29T01:43:11Z

Well I ditched out on Duty for the first time tonight, I figure they owe it to me. Last night I get called in at 10 PM because the Shipyard just figures out that they want to do maintenance on the RPCC and they need our Hand Held Terminal (HHT). Well if they had told us at 2 one of us that was still there could have gotten it for them. Hell we mustered at 1430 anyways. But no, instead I get called in at 2200 to go unlock the RIM Room and get the HHT for them, keep in mind I had Duty today.

So I show up at 0500 for our stupid muster an hour early since others can't seem to be on time to where they need to be and then go to Watch Officer/ Watch Supervisor Training @ 0600. It is there that I learn that there is an Admiral so-and-so coming on Monday and each Division was required to turn in a person to be a Subject Matter Expert to walk around with him and answer questions...can you see where this is going? Yep you guessed it RC chose yours truly. Oh BTW since you have been chosen for this you get to do a walk around with the CO @ 1000 and a brief with the XO @ 1400, did I mention that I have watch from 1030-1330?

So I persevere and make it through all this. Then on my way back to the ship fort the 8 o'clock meeting I am crossing the quarterdeck and get stopped by the Senior Chief there. She proceeds to tell me to take my water bottle out of my pocket and then grabs my Bracelet from Heather and asks me what the heck it is. After I explain that I am entitled to wear one bracelet per wrist in uniform, she tells me that it does not look good in uniform and tells me to take it off. I ask her why, according to the Uniform Regs, I can't wear it. She then backpedals and compares them to the Livestrong Bracelets that we were banned from wearing about 2.5 years ago because they were "faddish". Well she did not earn any points with me by bringing up one of the dumber policies the Navy has implemented since I have been in, but the fact that she called the Kandy I was wearing faddish really DID dumbfound me. I explained patiently that the Livestrong bracelets were faddish because everyone and their mother was wearing one and you don't really see all that many sailors running around with plastic bead Jewelery so I don't think that fits the bill. At this point she get upset and takes me over to the Ensign that was up there, like I am supposed to think more highly of a Butter Bar than a Senior Chief... maybe in her fucked up world, but whatever. So she explains the situation and I reiterate my side of the discussion. I try to explain that I have been wearing it for about 3 months and I attend training every day, at which there is Master Chiefs, LTs, LtCMDRs, and even full bird Captains and NONE of them have ever said a thing about it to me. Heck earlier that day I saw all three of our ships O-6s and I have daily discussions with Master Chiefs.

At or around this point she tells me to get the RDC (Reactor Duty Chief) and bring him up, well I say aye aye and then try to get their names since we have always been told by our leadership to do so if we get into a pissing match or what-have-you with any topsiders. This is when the ENS just loses it and starts cussing at me and shouting right on the quarterdeck, needless to say I am stunned and ask him to stop cussing at me at which point he says something along the lines of "Shut the fuck up this is a one way fucking conversation and you need to get the fucking RDO (Reactor Duty Officer) the fuck up here" I say OK and finish writing down their names and go to my meeting with the RDO and the RDC among others :) Well in my duty section it just so happens that the RDO is my Divo, a 20+ year warrant officer, and the RDC is a Chief that I play Soccer and Football with... After I show up and stop shaking with rage I inform them that I might have put Reactor a bit more into the spotlight then I expected to and explained the situation to them. The response to "Bring the fucking RDO the fuck up here " was "if they want to talk to me they can walk down here themselves, I am busy. but Chief Miller will go up there". I wish I had a picture of his face, Chief said that he would go up there, but he wasn't about to chew out an Ensign in front of everyone.

We had a good laugh and after the meeting I had to go down to 2 plant to do the maintenance that I was called in the previous night to get the HHT for... Well after that I went back up to the Reactor office to see what happened and basically it came down to, show the bracelet to the RDMC (Reactor Department Master Chief) on Monday and ask him if it is against the military Regs. Bah whatever, I know it is not and I hope he can see that as well. Either way it is attitudes like that, that make me constantly reconsider any decision to re-enlist.

Screw this shit

2007-09-09T18:50:43Z

Well found out last night what My chiefs' opinion of me really is. Someone saw the rankings for RC 1st classes and I was 6th out of 11, behind Geske. FFS the day that I am a worse 1st class than Geske is the day I do a line of cocaine off the RO's desk. He is a consummate shit bag and one of the poorer excuses for a 1st class that I can think of. Sure Sally, D, Steele, and Howze is to be expected, but the fact that my division leadership views Geske's contributions to RC ahead of mine really pisses me off. Not only has he NEVER contributed to the plants he is proud of how little he knows and still managed to qualify. On top of that they are making him a QPO and he has NEVER studied operational conditions, not to mention the fact that he has never seen an operational plant. Well if that is the way that they view me then fuck it. I am not going to be concerned about putting in extra hours just to make sure that I can help keep RC up and running let one of them do the job if they are so good. I say this, but of course in a few days I will be back to staying late. Why do I have to take personal pride in doing a job that I really DO hate this much. Other co-workers laugh when I ask how they can wake up i the morning and look themselves in the mirror when they do NOTHING to actually earn their paycheck. I guess it is just part of my makeup. If I have to do a job, no matter what I might think of it I just feel that I might as well do it to the best of my abilities.

Well enough venting about that, work has managed to irritate me in other ways lately as well. The friendship that has developed between Heather and myself has recently come to the attention of several co-workers. The fact that we can talk together and not actually be having sex seems to be an impossibility. MAN I am getting sick and tired of this middle/high school mentality. Sure it is flattering to some extent that they would think she would show interest like that in me, but as far as I am concerned they should mind their own damn business. I swear that if all the rumors flying around result in some khaki taking me aside and telling me that I can no longer talk to her at work, I will prolly do something that I might regret later. I am not gonna stand by and let a bunch of busy-bodies ruin one of the best things that has happened to me recently. If people have a question about our relationship then why don't they come ask one of US about it instead of asking around and doing nothing more than contributing to the rumor mill. Bah whatever, fuck em if they can't take a joke.

The day after

2007-09-07T21:50:40Z

I think I am starting to self destruct. Today was the second time in as many weeks that I showed up to work still drunk. I NEVER did that before. Lately though it just doesn't even enter my mind when I am drinking. Oh yeah, did I mention that both those times I blacked out the night before for at least a couple of hours? Sure my drinking as of late is not really anything compared to my college and post college days, but I have a bigger responsibility now. That and the fact that I have managed to spend an obscene amount of money in a short amount of time tell me that I really need to get a hold of myself and calm the hell down.

Sometimes work makes it really hard to do so though. Like today, random BS for day before duty and Lone Star tries jumping down everyone's throat because a couple of guys are missing. FFS you need to stop telling us that we are doing such a great job and this is the only time recently that this has happened if you are then going to proceed to crawl up our ass to shove the road cone further in. Then the incompetent moron of a Warrant we have decided to pipe up and curse at us ineffectually, making dire threats and predictions that everyone knows he will not back up just because he feels that he needs to be seen doing something to rectify the situation. I swear to God in Heaven, I have seen more examples of shitty leadership since I have come into the Nav then in the previous 24 years leading up to it. And keep in mind I have had some really crappy teachers and coaches. Hell if I had a better track coach in High school I might have actually made it to Sydney for the Olympics.

Well I have decided to quit smoking, waking up and cough up flecks of blood is bound to do that. I figure it will be a bit more difficult then when I did it before when Tammy was pregnant, but at least this time I will not have her around smoking to drag me back into it. It is really hard to stop when the person you live with is always smoking. Gonna have to find a new outlet though if I stay as stressed as I am now. Been thinking about finding a place with a heavy bag. I remember the one up in NY and that helped me out on numerous occasions even if the rough plastic chewed up my knuckles something fierce. If I am going to do so though I need to find someone who can teach me how to at least do it properly so I don't end up fucking up my wrist any more than it already is.

On the relationship front, or lack thereof, I think I am beginning to figure out what it is that I am looking for. Now if Eros would just co-operate, the little winged bastard. Ah that reminds me, it has been too long since I have listened to Cupid by Sam Cooke. Heck it has been a while since I have listened to Oldies in general. They just don't have the ability to let me get out of my skin, which is what I have seemed to need more and more lately. Enough with the digressions, I am able to admit that I am a person who hates to be alone for any extended period of time, maybe if I can find someone who will understand me it would help out a bit with all the BS that seems to overwhelm me on a semi-daily basis.

The creative writing seems to have tapered off a bit. I still have tons of thought bouncing around in my head, but the ability to lay them down in anything approaching an organized manner seems to escape me. Well that should be enough for now, need to cook and eat.

Well here's another fine mess...

2007-09-06T23:43:06Z

Just holding in too much right now to handle. Have to have somewhere to put it all down before it overwhelms me. This seems like as good a place as any to start. For the first few entries I will most likely not be making them public, but as things start to calm down I hope to be able to put more and more out here for all to see. Just one promise to myself, if it gets written it stays. This is supposed to be a place for me to put what I am really feeling so even if I look back the day after and say to myself, "holy crap I can't believe I said THAT", it is something that I felt the need to put down so it will stay. If you are reading this and get shocked, offended, or hurt by anything that is said I have only this to say to you...Suck it up or don't read it. Well off to the other side to see what demons I can purge onto this substitute for cellulose, who knows maybe they will like it here better and leave me alone for good. Not likely, but hey I can hope...can't I. At least I haven't lost that ability yet. I do not ever need to go back to that place, outside my nightmares. Well this seems like a good place to bring my first public foray into journalism to an end...get it?...JOURNALism... bah never mind.